


There Was A Time (Let Her Go)

by Captain_Dogfish



Series: Life Set to Music [1]
Category: Zombies Run!
Genre: Just a Very Sad Thing with no plot, Multi, Other, Spoilers through S3M18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-27 13:25:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8403355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captain_Dogfish/pseuds/Captain_Dogfish
Summary: A Very Sad Thing with no plot. Focuses mainly on Runner 5's emotions (especially concerning Runner 8), but the romance part is decidedly ambiguous. Random lines from the song "Let Her Go" are interspersed throughout because that is also A Very Sad Thing and was the song that inspired me to write this.





	

_Well you only need the light when it’s burning low_  
_Only miss the sun when it starts to snow_  
_Only know you love her when you let her go_

There was a time when you feared Sara Smith. When she’d blithely chatter away to you, but underneath the cheery words you could sense an edge of steel, a promised threat. She’d talk about what good friends you’d be even as she swung a gun towards you and fired over your shoulder, bullets missing your head by inches.

There was a time when you realized how much you needed her in your life. God only knows if you wanted her romantically or not, but you felt it, deep in your gut—a desire to hold her close, to protect her as much as she protected you.

There was a time when you realized how much you loved her. You didn’t realize how much, though, until you thought you’d lost her. After a rocket launcher and a bite mark and those final encouraging words before she ran away for your sake.

 _Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low_  
_Only hate the road when you’re missing home_  
_Only know you love her when you let her go_

There was a time when the world turned to ash, after her death. When every color turned into a different shade of zombie-grey. There was a time when you couldn’t believe that the world and God and fate could be this cruel.

There was a time when missions seemed pointless. When, no matter who you ran with, you couldn’t shake the feeling that you were betraying her memory somehow. As if running with anybody else was sacrilege to her memory.

There was a time when you were reckless and selfish and careless with your life. When you ached for her so badly that living seemed pointless. When her death, not the apocalypse, was the end of the world.

_And you let her go_

There was a time when the grief started lose its edge. When you tried to do justice to her memory. When you cared for her gun like it was your baby. When you wore two sets of dog tags, your own and hers. There was a time when you weren’t drowning in the hundreds of memories and reminders of her.

 _Staring at the bottom of your glass_  
_Hoping one day you’ll make a dream last_  
_But love comes slow and it goes so fast_

There was a time when, just as the world started to right itself, you were nearly killed by the revenge of a communications officer. When you saw her grief and pain and heartache and recognized it as your own. When you realized she was taking the action you wished you could take, except your enemy was God himself. When you wondered if it was better to just let the Deadlocks kill you, to fall in battle, in order to be with Sara again.

There was a time when you wondered if you were cursed, that maybe everybody you loved was going to leave you alone and in the dark.

There was a time when you made a new friend. There was a time when you hoped that, maybe, even if it wouldn’t be anywhere near the same as it was, you’d have another female friend to run with. She was odd, quirky, too smart for her own good. And then she was dead, just as you began to appreciate her unique sense of humor.

 _You see her when you close your eyes_  
_Maybe one day you’ll understand why_  
_Everything you touch surely dies_

There was a time when you couldn’t believe your eyes. When she came back, the woman you had loved so much. When she came swooping in to save the day when all hope had been lost. When you wiped away happy tears and pretended to the others you weren’t crying.

There was a time when you began to realize how much had changed between the two of you. When all you wanted was to go back to the way things were, but something stood in the way. She remained distant, and you ached to understand why.

There was a time when you realized it was all falling apart again. When, just as hope had started to bloom in your soul, the withering ice of reality rushed in to kill it. When she was more savage than she needed to be, when she avoided you, when she lied to your face and you pretended like you believed her.

 _But you only need the light when it’s burning low_  
_Only miss the sun when it starts to snow_  
_Only know you love her when you let her go_

There was a time when you were haunted by the phantoms of everybody you’d ever let down. Jamie would reproach you for not being fast enough, for not being there when he needed you. Archie’s screams would echo in your head, a constant reminder of everything you failed to do. When it felt like everybody in Abel was questioning your abilities as a runner and a leader.

There was a time when you prayed to a God you didn’t believe in, a God you still hated for toying so recklessly with your life and heart, for answers. When you and Simon would drink and discuss forgiveness. He was haunted by something, too, but you could never quite figure out what.

There was a time you needed Sara Smith to not lie to your face for one goddamn minute.

 _But you only need the light when it’s burning low_  
_Only miss the sun when it starts to snow_  
_Only know you love her when you let her go_

There was a time when it all came crashing down for the second time. When you’d aimed for the fairy tale ending of Maxine and Paula and you’d almost pulled it off. When you’d given yourself up for their sake, hoping that, between the two of them, they’d solve the zombie virus.

There was a time when you ran chained to a Jeep and hoped this was going to be your salvation. That you could earn forgiveness by the wearing, tearing, bruising skin as you ran those long, bloody miles with no end in sight. That this punishment would absolve you of your many, many sins.

There was a time when it was you, bloody and bandaged and heartsick, who sat in the hospital with a grieving Maxine. When you saw the fear and panic and longing that came from knowing the woman you loved was alive and unreachable. There was a time when you remembered how much you wished for that agony, thinking it better than the hopelessness of a known death.

 _Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low_  
_Only hate the road when you’re missing home_  
_Only know you love her when you let her go_

There was a time when your brilliant efforts to stop the zombie apocalypse only made things worse, courtesy of Maxine’s spray. There was a time when you could do nothing as children died at the rotting hands of zombies. There was a time when you shrank away from all your friends, fearing that whatever it is that cursed you would rub off on them, that you would fail them in some way, that they, too, would die because of your actions.

There was a time when you finally bore witness to the betrayal you had known was coming all along. When first Sara and then Simon had abandoned you. When you ran towards Sara Smith knowing it was suicide to challenge her but hoping she might still possess a grain of mercy and would end your suffering.

There was a time when she handed you over to a monster and stood by while you were tortured. When you hated her once more. When you wished for her death, your death. When she suddenly turned and her lies were vindicated in one fell swoop, her status as a double agent revealed.

 _Staring at the ceiling in the dark_  
_Same old empty feeling in your heart_  
_Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast_

There was a time when you couldn’t fall asleep because of the nightmares. When you wished and prayed and hoped that Sara’s ghost would come visit you, try to help you past your self-doubt and guilt. When you wished and prayed and hoped that _anybody_ would care enough to realize you were falling apart.

There was a time when you got used to the misery that had swallowed you whole. When that dark little voice in your head told you horrible things and you believed every word. When you gave up on others and yourself.

There was a time when you tried to move on. To find other people. But the love was empty and meaningless and a distraction. It meant nothing to you, only made your nightmares worse as still more people joined your nightly lineup of accusers.

 _Well you see her when you fall asleep_  
_But never to touch and never to keep_  
_Cause you loved her too much and you dived to deep_

There was a time when you could swear you heard Sara whispering her forgiveness on the rare occasions you slept. Her ghost, real this time in the wake of her actual death, haunts you. Comforts you, on occasion. More often she just exists in the empty spaces of your brain, giving you strength.

There was a time when you had to run to the ocean and you couldn’t bear it. When you did as she requested, fulfilled her final wish, but you hated every step. Scattered her ashes into the water, watched her remains float away, her body and soul finally free, and you broke inside. You clutched her dog tags tighter, felt the familiar weight of her gun at your hip, held that mysterious package she’d left you; a poor inheritance for a person who had failed so miserably at saving the day.

There was a time when others finally began to recognize what your grief looked like. When they realized your usual silence was strained by sadness, by internal agony. When they tried to comfort you but you shoved them all away. When you thought about how you have always grieved alone, and for this woman that you loved so dearly, nobody was good enough to comfort you.

 _Well you only need the light when it’s burning low_  
_Only miss the sun when it starts to snow_  
_Only know you love her when you let her go_

There was a time when you were overwhelmed by your losses. When Abel was rattled by death, when the Forest of Fallen Runners swelled with torches for the dead, when you wondered how anybody could come back from such devastating losses.

There was a time when the replacements began to arrive for the people who had died. When you fetched the new commander of Abel Township from a tree. When new runners joined the ranks but you didn’t speak to them unless it was required of you.

There was a time when you became Head of Runners, but the title felt meaningless. When you took the responsibility because you knew that it would make the others happy, would make Sara’s ghost proud. There was a time when you lived your life in honor of the dead.

 _Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low_  
_Only hate the road when you’re missing home_  
_Only know you love her when you let her go_

There was a time when a man you thought you knew came back from the dead. When you wondered if anybody in your life would just stay dead. If traitors would remain traitors, or if they would continue to come around at the last second.

There was a time when your heart was heavy with the multitude of lies it had been subjected to. When you decided it wasn’t worth the effort to trust new people. When you agonized over the thought that the few people who you still cared about might let you down the same as all the others.

There was a time when you and a former enemy went on a long run, together, and discovered you had more in common than you thought. When she fought as hard to save you in the present as she had fought to kill you in the past.

_And you let her go_

There was a time when you found the daughter of a long-dead friend, a friend who had never lied to you. When your heart broke at her rage and pain. When you saw her suffering was like yours, but she bore it better than you did.

_And you let her go_

There was a time when Sam told you that the others thought you were a hero. When you couldn’t believe that you had become a local legend. When others looked up to you, a broken person ready to die, and saw hope in your pain-wracked figure.

_And you let her go_

There was a time when you started to ask yourself, _What Would Sara Do?_ When you decided to allow this young scientist to test her experiments on your body. When you recognized, at last, that your life was only valuable when it was being used for the greater good.

There was a time when you finally surrendered to the inevitable.


End file.
